The 10 year challenge…Celebrating a Decade.

In 2009, I had just gone from a mother of 1 to 3.

We had moved across country temporarily to be near family and so had packed up our entire life, which at that time, consisted of a small 2 bedroom apartment in Los Angeles and a lot of music equipment. :)

I was getting so big, I looked like a bullet was shooting out from my belly and I was sort of beginning to get used to the all the stares! ha!

I delivered my precious twin boys on October 15th, 2008, and the next few months were a blur. I sort of remember being passed out on the couch, in an in-and-out-of-sleep stupor when Obama was sworn in.

I kind of remember Christmas that year, but mostly, it was a jumbled mix of memories that contain a lot of feedings and family and little 3 1/2 year old Liam, who I was hyper aware of the entire time. I was so fearful he would feel overwhelmed or left out, with two new siblings all at once. Luckily, he was surrounded by so much love and extended family, I don’t think it caused any lasting scars. Fingers crossed. :)

So 2009 was a year I wish I could say was all glorious with cute matching twin boy outfits and tons of baby bliss.

In reality it was hard. Like really hard.

I had fleeting moments of new baby bliss, but it’s hard to remember. With the lack of sleep and my body recovering from growing TWO, 7 pound + each babies, the extra weight, the surgery and all, I was barely holding on.

I’m so grateful for the family that came to help in that period. Grandparents, my sister-n-law, friends.. it was the one thing that kept me going.

And at that time, I had no idea it would be the last time that we would have time to really spend quality time with my husband’s mom.

She would show up at 8am every day like it was her job. She fed babies with me, did the dishes, laundry, folded and matched tiny socks, arranged toys on the window sills in different patterns for the boys to discover every day. She rocked and I rocked and we fed and we talked. She told me so many stories that I’ll always cherish about my husband when he was little, about her, about her childhood, what she had endured and what she regretted.

She was a complex woman. Super intelligent, witty, hard, wounded, opinionated, broken, vulnerable, proud, a giant of a woman (6ft.tall) and full of energy!

I had a little over a year with her in those rocking chairs, feeding babies and sharing stories.

Sadly, the alcohol that had become her way of surviving and numbing out to the wounds that had accumulated over time, helped to take her life.

I have no doubt that the time we had with her that year was a gift.

So if I had to look back and see what 2009 was I would say it was about the love of family. It was about final moments, it was about first breaths, it was about tiny miracles I couldn’t yet see. It was about getting to know each other in new ways. It was about a woman, who despite just bringing 2 lives into the world, thought she was a failure because she wasn’t out changing the world. It was about nurturing and being nurtured. It was about the gifts of communication and connection that heal us even if we don’t even know it at the time.

In 2009, I was enveloped with sleep deprivation, self doubt, wishing for more, gratitude for family, sadness, joy, and nurturing those I loved. Sadly, I didn’t yet know how to nurture myself. That would come much later.

It would be two more years before I would come to the point in my life journey which I call “my awakening.”

My moment in time where I was done. I was done trying to fix, control, be what I thought I “should” be, do what I thought was “safe, acceptable, approved by others,” punishing myself, depriving my body, making decisions from a lens of shame, doubting myself, being driven by my inner critic, not feeling safe to feel my feelings, living from the wounds I had collected along the timeline of my life. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, I was done.

I knew there was so much light inside me, I just couldn’t access it.

I didn’t exactly know how to access it or how to do things another way, but I had total faith and a lot of hope, that if I surrendered, that was all I could do. The rest would be made known.

The journey that sprung from that moment, that decision has been the road I’ve walked ever since. Has it been easy and all rainbows and giggles? No. It’s been much better.

It’s been real, devastating, soul igniting, surprising, heart cracked opening, full of awe and wonder, painful, sobering, full of hard decisions and challenges, full of bravery and discovery.

I’m awake and in love with my life.

I am forever grateful for that awakening and the teachers who have shown up along the way to guide me as I made my way here to this moment writing this long story to you.

I wish I could go back to that brave, wounded woman 10 years ago and assure her that she was no failure. She was love. She had never been anything else.

I wish my mother- in-law could have seen this in herself.

I can’t go back, but I can choose every day to embody the love that I came into the world to BE and to share.

Ten years brought me here. Ten years brought me through births, mothering, surrendering, releasing, becoming each and every day more of who I came here to be.

Along that journey, I have done the work to Reclaim who I came into the world to be. I’ve invited back the parts of myself I didn’t know were ok. And not just ok, but necessary to be fully who I was.

I’ve reclaimed the desires of my heart and poured them into my work and my family.

I’ve reclaimed my voice and I use it speak up and out more and more each moment.

I’ve reclaimed my light and my intuition that always tells me the truth and allows me to hold the most sacred, transformative space for women as a coach and guide.

I’ve reclaimed my very self that was so overtaken by fear, perfectionism and doubt that I was barely there under all the layers.

Today, I open up to receive miracles because I believe there are miracles literally everywhere and I experience them every day.

Today, I believe I’m worthy and I’m loved and I belong because I belong to myself, as Brene Brown so exquisitely says.

This is what is possible for you, dear woman. It is ALL possible for you. Whatever you allow yourself to ask for and receive is there FOR you.

Yes, there is work to be done as you RECLAIM all the parts that make you you.

When I first made that decision for myself, that I was done trying to do this life all by myself, the VERY first thing I did was reach out for help. I’ve not been alone at any point along the way.

I am here to walk you through this healing journey. It is why I’m here.

Are you ready to do life another way? Is 2020 your year to say “enough” to perfectionism, fear, playing it safe, diminishing yourself, living small, living in a box, feeling not good enough, feeling afraid, being ruled by your inner critic, feeling half alive, just going through the motions living?

What do you desire for your life?

As I’ve shared with you before, I am co-leading a retreat this January and I know the women who are joining us will be creating powerful shifts and transformations in their lives. I sense deep healing and reclaiming desire will be the thread that runs through this entire experience.

If you are ready to Reclaim your desires and Who you came here to this world to BE, and desire to begin his work in a powerful and safe container, I invite you to consider the retreat. Will you be there? You can book a call with me and we will see if it’s a fit for you. We only have a few spots left.

If you feel called to explore what this soul work would look like for you personally in 1-1 coaching with me, I want to hear your story. Book a call here.

Big shifts, opportunities and miracles are available to you my dear friend..

What will you say YES to as you welcome in 2020?