The Wheel of Self Sabotage

Recently, a wire was tripped and a wheel began to turn.

Stepping into a larger space as a leader and coach meant inviting in more clients, creating some new offerings and more. Massive growth began to take place and an old mechanism within me was triggered.

“Wait.” warned a voice inside me. “What if this is too much? Are you ready for this?”

Sneaky little voices of perfection began to join the conversation. They whispered old thoughts like, “You better get this right. You are claiming this now. YOU better deliver.”

Truth would eventually find her moment to speak. She lives inside me permanently now. She has taken up residence for a long time, and we walk hand in hand most days.

All of these voices live together within me. We all coexist. The truth, the doubt, the shame — all battling to speak. Have you felt this?

While I did heed the warnings of the fearful voices inside me, I quickly realized that this is just my body signaling it’s time for GROWTH. And with growth always comes RESISTance. It’s part of the becoming, I know this now.

So I resisted the patterns and programming to allow room for that growth opportunity, understanding that this is not the only time I’ll have to do this work. It’s like growing a new skin, it takes time and intention.

Growth often triggers old thoughts or fears, so awareness is key. I call it the wheel of self sabotage because unless we catch it early, it continues rolling.

For me personally, it looked like this:

My business experienced big growth, so negative thought patterns began to sneak in.

“This is a lot. Can I handle these new opportunities?”

The judge inside me added feelings of pressure and uncertainty.

My response was old coping mechanisms. “I need to escape these thoughts. I need relief from the judge, the perfectionist inside of me. I’ll have some chocolate, or maybe some cookies? Ok, pizza. I just need a distraction.”

My Knowing then began to speak. “You really need time to rest and process all you’ve accomplished and learned. Give yourself some quiet time.”

But life was busy. Responsibilities were piling up, the house turned upside down, the kids needing this or that. So I continued my retreat. Into food. Into my room. Into myself.

For 24 hours I actively participated in a cycle of eating, shaming, ignoring, distracting, refusing, indulging. That’s the thing about shame. It never stops at just one area of your life. It spreads like a weed, choking out all the growth in its path.

Does this story sound familiar?

Ironically, at least two clients the previous week came to me for help with emotional eating and we had extremely powerful sessions that led them to massive breakthroughs. I knew I had the answer inside of me. I just had to experience this awakening.

I could see the pattern. Ten years ago I would have continued this spiral. It would take me three diets, four personal trainers, and starving myself to punish my way out of this.

Not anymore.

So, I had a day on this wheel. What to do now? I knew I would not stay there.

You don’t have to either.

I chose to wake up the next morning and put a big ol’ stick in that wheel. I broke the pattern and stopped the wheel from continuing to turn.

I took my body and spirit out for a walk. I looked at each flower I passed with new eyes, fully connecting to that which is greater than me. I touched them and honored their beauty.

Then, I did the same inside.

The mother in me began a loving conversation within myself.

She said, “Honey, I love you. What do you need? I want to tell you how proud I am of how far you’ve come. Remember when you used to hide from your largeness? Your light? Your gifts? Now all that is in you shines a beautiful light. Your body has been such a warrior, giving life to three very big and precious boys. What do you need, my love? Play? Rest? Take them. I love you."

I blocked out my calendar for the whole weekend to do just that. I found healing and transformation by taking simple intentional steps.

So what steps did this transformation require?

*Became Aware

*Broke the pattern

*Reframed and Shifted Inner Belief and Inner Dialogue based in Truth.

*Took new action based on new Belief

Sometimes life hands us exactly what we need, not just for ourselves, but for the big work we are here to do in the world. If I didn’t know how to walk through this process, there is no way I could so powerfully lead other women through the same reclaiming.

I KNOW at my core that a woman’s relationship with her body is a true piece of giving herself permission to show up BIG in the world.

Loving and accepting your body is tantamount to embodying all of who you are, with all your gifts, purpose and power.  I want YOU to know this and to CLAIM this.

I also KNOW at my core, from a very young age, women are taught to be ashamed of their bodies. We’re told there’s an ideal body type — what is beautiful and what is not.

Taking ownership, defining your own terms of beauty, shedding the layer of shame introduced into your psyche by the age of 8 is what will allow you to claim and own your unique genius, your full spectrum of gifts.

THAT is what you are here to do.

So, Sister, you must be on alert for the old patterns, the old voices of shame, the judge, and the perfectionist. You must be aware of their purpose to take you out of your power and distract you from your gifted calling.

If you are willing to get uncomfortable and awaken from this illusion that poses as truth — to not allow the voices of the judge, the perfectionist, or shame to derail you — you can take your power back and create a beautiful, on purpose life.

You are so very worth it.

Throw a big stick in that wheel of self-sabotage. Interrupt that pattern! Remember yourself, ask your heart and your body what they need. Take them for a walk. Feel intentional gratitude. Take a deep breath into this knowing and let it fill you up.

I truly believe this is THE time to do this deep inner work and unleash your divine soul purpose. Now is THE time to release anything old or out-dated that’s keeping you stuck in any untruths or negative patterns.

I encourage you to get on my calendar for a call.

When you’ve hit that wall and can’t go any farther in the old way, that is when the universe is literally asking you to reach out. You are not meant to do this work alone. Your greatest soul assignment is on the other side of fear, trauma, and personal lies.

Book a call here.

Together we will explore exactly what you are being called to and if we are a good fit to start this work together. I can’t wait to hear your story!

I love you, sister.